Today, on this Sunday, the 21st of September in the year of our Lord 2014, literally the most incredible thing ever happened. I, along with so many others, physically, actually, and completely received GOD HIMSELF in the bringing forth of the greatest act of love ever; Christ's Sacrifice on the Cross, His giving His own Body and Blood to us.
And yet, when I went up there and received the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Savior of the World, the Heavenly Bridegroom espoused to us by the Father... I didn't pay much attention to it. I went up as usual, like almost every Sunday, to receive Love Himself, and I didn't pay much attention to it. I noticed it right beforehand and right after, that I was in a sort of automation and have been so for a while now. It's not that I've necessarily done something wrong, although that does contribute a lot to being distracted from this greatest event of all time; It's my own mood that's changed. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but somehow I've slipped into a sort of "going-through-the-motions" mood, though I never wanted it. I've asked God before today, today, and I'll probably continue asking Him to get me out of this, but all of my begging comes to nothing. Thank the Lord that it does!
You see, although we're obviously called to live passionately for Him, to be completely in love with our Espoused King of Kings, we're not called to any sort of "feelings" about it. To love our Lord Jesus Christ, to "seek Him while He may be found", must be done even in automation, and, in fact, being trapped in that sort of phase can be revitalizing in a sense. I want to go to Mass, I want to receive my most precious Lord, I want to pray, I want to go to Adoration; yet perhaps I expect something back from all these, some sort of pleasure for myself, some great feeling of joy. There are certainly times when He gives me joy especially in these times and places, most especially at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass where I may receive His Body and Blood, but the joy isn't that important. It's my serving Him, my coming to Him at the Sacrifice, my actually praying, my going to Adoration, all of these to be more and more given to my Beloved Jesus that is important.
So though I may feel automated right now, and it is frustrating and sometimes almost depressing, I know I still need to keep doing what I'm doing for His sake as long as they aren't sinful or near the occasion of sin. I know I need to pray more, I know I need to read Scripture more, I know I need to live in the Spirit more, and a lot of other stuff, but now that I've asked, in the words of the amazing man of God, David Mangan, "Where's the dynamite?", I don't need to worry. I need to do go to Mass even when I worry it won't seem the best, I need to pray when it doesn't seem like I'll be answered, and I need to do all the things He asks of me, because that is how I may love my Lord; doing what He wants even when it feels like I'm not getting better. As long as I do what my Beloved asks of me, He will bring me through all the different moods I'll have to Himself, to live in His love. Until then, may I serve and love my Espoused King of Kings all of my days, and may I be thankful that I can still serve and love Him even in such an automatic mood.
All of you holy men and women and angelic choirs, please pray for us and for the whole world!
All of you readers, please pray for the writers of this page!
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